This is Haruhi on Drugs
by The4thEmperor
Summary: A collection of brief crack fics that may hurt you. Don't like, don't read. Any questions?
1. Anal Probes

**I don't own Haruhi Suzumiya. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction about her.**

_Haruhi-blocked_

Mikuru calmly walked into the clubroom, whistling the theme song of some shoujo anime. As she opened the clubroom door, she noticed that no one was in the room., an oddity considering Haruhi, Yuki, or Itsuki were always there before her. Mikuru simply shrugged and made her way to the rack of outfits to get ready for the day. As she reached for her maid uniform, she heard a chuckle.

Mikuru turned around, looking for the source of the laugh. She saw nothing. "H-hello?" she asked timidly. There was no reply. Mikuru blinked and then was tackled by a certain yellow-headband wearing goddess. "Kya!" Mikuru exclaimed, as she was forced to the ground by Haruhi. "S-S-Suzumiya-san, w-what's going on?" She asked, even more frightened of the psychotic brigade leader than usual. Haruhi cackled like a maniac.

"What's going on, you ask? Oh, nothing, just this…." Haruhi said, sneering as she reached for her bag. As Mikuru held her breath, on the verge of hysterical fright, Haruhi pulled out… a banana. Mikuru, blinked, confused by Haruhi's possession of the curved yellow fruit. Then fridge logic set in and she screamed her head off.

"S-S-Suzumiya, please, no!" she begged, crying, as Haruhi laughed wildly. That is, until the door opened. Haruhi jerked back, afraid it might be Kyon. However, it wasn't. It was Chuyura.

"Harunyan, Harunyan, can I have some smoked cheese?" Chuyura asked, as Mikuru, for the first time in her life happy to see the obnoxious chibi, sighed in relief as she went off the boil some tea.

"I don't have any goddamn smoked cheese, you annoying loud-mouthed cock-blocking half-pint." Haruhi grumbled.

"Nyoro~n."

_Kyon gets an Anal Probe_

As Kyon prepared to leave after yet another exhausting brigade meeting, he noticed a mysterious note.

_Kyon,_

_I require your appearance at my apartment after school. Do not bring anyone with you and tell no one where you have gone. This is a matter of utmost importance._

_Yuki_

Kyon blinked. It was an obscure message, but Yuki Nagato was an obscure girl. Kyon shrugged and went on his way to Yuki's apartment.

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The moment Kyon neared Yuki's door, Nagato immediately opened it. "I need you to get inside, right now." She said, pulling on Kyon's sleeve. Kyon walked in, confused. Yuki sat down.

"You are troubled by my message. I understand and shall explain. You have been infected by nanobots sent by the time-traveler known as Fujiwara, which are attempting to take over your body and turn you into a mindless ravaging lunatic. Luckily, I should be able to isolate a sample of the nanobots and generate a cure." Yuki explained.

Kyon blinked. Simple enough. Everything should turn out fine. "So…how are you going to isolate the nanobots?" he asked. Nagato's eyes gleamed as she pulled up a long large hose-like object. "I must probe your rectum."

Kyon stared. Then he ran for the door. However, being a mere human against a deity-like alien, he was quickly stopped and had the hose shoved up his rear.

It later turned out there were no nanobots. Yuki had a lot of explaining to do.

_The Anti-SOS Brigade_

It was a fairly regular day in the SOS Brigade Clubroom. But we're not focusing on what's happening in there, even though there's pie. That's right readers, I'm cheating you out of your pie. What do you have to say to that?

Anyway, our story takes place far across North High, in a room that smells like old cheese. Inside this room stood the enemies of God herself, all prepared to hatch their evil scheme.

"Will you shut up already? We've been trying to come up with a diabolical plan for days and you've done nothing but bother us." Fujiwara said, carelessly breaking down the fourth wall. A confused Kyouko blinked.

"Um, who are you talking to?" she asked, scratching her head in puzzlement at Fujiwara's apparent insanity. In the corner, Kuyo was furiously typing at a computer.

_an ten Sephiroh tuched clouds man-thingey and begin to…._ Kuyo's slash fic was interrupted by a chop to the head from an irritated Sasaki. "Will you stop that and start trying to concoct a diabolical plan to defeat Haruhi?" the frustrated goddess asked.

"We need to think of something wicked; something eldritch, something…." Fujiwara said, stroking his chin, wondering if he would look eviler with a goatee. _Fools!_ _I am the only one evil enough to be the main villain! I will usurp both Sasaki and that computer guy as the big bad. I will be the enemy! BWAHAHAHAHAHA *__sigh* …god, I'm pathetic__**.**_

"U GAEZ I KNOE!" Kuyo shouted waving her hands. "we cpuld uze VAMPUREZ cuz dey suck blud an dosnt afrad uv nythin!1" Kuyo received several cold stares, before Sasaki once again smacked her in the head.

"Dammit, we've got to start stepping up our game! After all, if we fall behind, we might be replaced with that computer club guy with his cartoon villains and his chibi." Sasaki said, crossing her arms. "There's only room for one group of comedic villains and that's us!"

Kyouko on the sidelines was quiet. _Sasaki-san is so wonderful. One day, I want to be with her and confess my love to her and kidnap her and marry her and take her up to my room and tie her up and smother her in whipped cream and…._

Kyouko was snapped out of her yuri bondage fangirl fantasy by a snap of the fingers from Sasaki. "Pay attention."

"Um, yes Sasaki-san." _One day you will be mine…._

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**A/N:**

**Well? What do you think? I managed to warp these characters' personalities into OOC, over the top, perverted messes. Seems to be going pretty well. Give me suggestions, plz, in review form or in a pm.**

**Review for a free pony.**


	2. Potato Chips

**I don't own Haruhi Suzumiya. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction about her.**

**A/N Notes:**

**The first story is a Death Note parody. If you ask me, the protagonist of our first little tale just seems like the sort of person who would have a Death Note.**

**The second story is just a short little conversation between Kyon and Fujiwara, and the third story is about Yuki and her RPG obsession.**

_**Itsuki and his friend, the Shinigami**_

__Itsuki calmly walked home, with his usual smile plastered to his face, after another long, ludicrous brigade meeting in which Haruhi attempted. He opened the door, passing by his mother who kept her face away from the viewers to remain as anonymous as possible, because who in the right mind would want to appear in this fanfic, and entered his room. Sitting there was a decaying pale humanoid creature with leathery bat-like wings and red glowing eye sockets, chewing on potato chips.

"Welcome back, Koizumi." the monster said, shoving another handful of fried potato slices into his mouth and making loud crunching sounds. His yellowed knife-like teeth showed with his massive grin. Itsuki took a seat at the desk in his room, pulling a familiar black notebook out of a drawer, which he hid under his pictures of Kyon in a swimsuit.

"Hello Orcus." Itsuki said, opening up the notebook and preparing to write down the names of those who dared to stand in his way. "Just another perfect day for dispensing justice." he said, turning to face the potato chip-addicted Shinigami. "Soon, all that oppose me shall fall, and then Kyon will be mine and mine alone!"

Orcus burped and passed Itsuki the chip bag, as Itsuki began to write the name of his first victim.

_Mi… Ku… Ru…._

Itsuki laughed as he wrote down the name of his first enemy. _Writing names with my right hand, and grabbing a snack with my left, I'll take a potato chip and…hey, wait a second…!_

"Dammit Orcus, did you eat all the potato chips?"

"Yeah, nyuk nyuk nyuk."

"Orcus, you know I can't kill people with my Death Note if I don't have any potato chips! How the hell am I supposed to dispense my righteous justice without potato chips?"

"By "righteous justice", you mean getting rid of anyone who Kyon might prefer to you? Which are almost every vaguely attractive female humanoid in the universe and a few males?"

"Don't do that! It makes me feel insecure!"

_**Kyon's Rival**_

Fujiwara walked down the hall, with his usual smug face. He was busy plotting how to be more evil and possibly more smug, when he noticed his archrival.

"KYOOON!" he shouted, pointing at the snarky narrator, who until now had not noticed the obnoxious time traveler.

"Oh, uh, hey, Fujiwara." Kyon said, giving Fujiwara a brief glance before attempting to continue on his way. Fujiwara grabbed Kyon's shoulder, stopping him.

"Kyon, my archenemy, we meet again!" Fujiwara exclaimed. "It has been a long six days since our last encounter, but we meet again! This time, I will emerge victorious!"

Kyon blinked. "We're… archenemies?"

"Yes, you fool!" Fujiwara exclaimed. "We're counterparts! We're both the only male on each other's team…."

"What about Itsuki?"

"Doesn't count. Anyway, we're both the snarky one in our groups, and we both don't have names!"

"I have a name. It's Torahi-

"Yeah, yeah, no one cares; anyway, the point is we're rivals!" Fujiwara said, crossing his arms.

"Sorry, Fujiwara, but I already have a rival." Kyon said, walking away.

Fujiwara chased after Kyon. "What do you mean? I'M your rival! Who's this other rival? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?"

"Um, yeah."

"I THOUGHT IT WAS MEANT TO BE!"

Fujiwara fled, crying and sniffling, as Kyon got out his picture of his archenemy.

"One day I will defeat you… Minoru Shiraishi…." Kyon growled, as he returned the picture to his pocket.

_**Yuki cannot stop playing**_

__"Get off, Yuki!" Emiri said, trying to drag Nagato away from the computer.

"Almost… done…just…one…more…level…." Yuki said, furiously cutting down lizard-like humanoids. She had been playing for thirty-five hours straight, her eyes now metaphorically glued to the screen, neglecting to go to North High and observe Haruhi's behavior. Now Emiri and Achakura had arrived for an intervention.

"Dammit, Yuki, you've become obsessed with this game, Doragon Senshi or whatever it's called, and it's been interfering with your job!" Achakura yelled, attempting to unplug the computer, but the plug being too far up. "If you don't stop, you'll be deleted!"

"She's right, Nagato!" Emiri said, still attempting to peel Yuki away from the screen. "We're doing this for your own sake, Nagato-san!"

Yuki continued to play, in a zombie-like state and ignoring the two girls who were attempting to help her overcome her reliance on the game, until suddenly a message appeared on the screen.

_I'm sorry, but your account has been deleted._

Yuki stared at the screen, her body completely still. Emiri sighed; glad she had been able to hack the account. Achakura stared at Yuki.

"I think we broke Nagato." she said, climbing up the frozen data entity. Emiri looked at the screen. Slaughtering hordes of monsters for their possessions did sound rather fun.

"Want to play some?" she suggested.

"Sure." Achakura said. "I wanna be an elf."

"I think you'd be better as a gnome."

"Shut up…."

_The cycle continues…._

**A/N Notes:**

**I'll take a meme… AND OVERUSE IT!**

**Orcus is the name of the Roman god of death, so I used for the name of Itsuki's Shinigami. *****Latin Nerd* And I decided to give him a laugh like Curly of the Three Stooges.**

**I'm actually somewhat new to Death Note, but I got a boxed set of the manga recently and can now say it is one of the greatest manga in existence.**

**I think that Minoru should be Kyon's rival. It just makes sense.**

**MMORPGs are awesome, but my parents won't let me play any. ;_; Dammit, let me waste my life fighting fantasy monsters with people I don't even know and obsessing over treasure that don't exist!**

**Next Time, on This is Haruhi on Drugs:…I don't know, does anyone have any ideas? PM me or, better yet, leave it in a review!**

**Review for a magic cupcake.**


	3. Canada

**A/N Notes:**

**The first story is by request from superstarultra himself! See if you can identify the 2001 reference!**

**The second one is about Canadians.**

**Warning! Severe OOCness ahead!**

**The Data Overmind's Wacky Plans #1**

The Data Overmind floated in his vague data-space, contemplating how to find a way to prevent Kyon's threat. _I need someone other than Yuki to watch him… and I need to keep him from getting to close to her… and then then there's that stupid Sky Canopy Domain… stupid John Smith and his stupid threats to reveal his stupid identity to Haruhi… it's hard being a near omnipotent alien god attempting to research a reality warper… I've got it!_

The Data Overmind summoned Ryoko and Emiri before him. "I need you two to perform my plan!" The Overmind announced gleefully. "You two are now assigned to monitoring Kyon. Follow his every action and let nothing go unnoticed."

Ryoko squeed as Emiri nodded affirmatively, as the Data Overmind attempted an evil laugh. _Two attractive girls should be enough to distract him from Yuki… and these two should prevent him from revealing his identity to Haruhi. My plans are just so damn fabulous!_

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Kyon and Yuki were sitting silently in the clubroom when Ryoko and Emiri arrived, causing Kyon to jerk up.

"Ryoko? Emiri? Aren't you guys dead and a minor character respectively?" Kyon said, attempting to flee from the general radius of Ryoko, but being stopped by Emiri.

"The Overmind has sent us as further monitors of your behavior. We are required to remain near you. Death and lack of involvement in the story mean nothing to us." Emiri said in her usual monotone voice, as Yuki held the book she was reading up to hide the fact that she was experiencing the human emotion commonly known as anger. Kyon gulped and hoped that this was some sort of joke, or at least that the two might leave soon. Unfortunately, this was only the beginning of his troubles.

Later that day, Kyon left the room to answer nature's call. He opened the bathroom door and took his place in the stall. As he pulled his pants down, he noticed that a familiar blunette was peeking at him from over the stall.

"HOLY CRAP RYOKO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Kyon shouted as he attempted to prevent Ryoko from seeing his "little entity."

"I am required to monitor you." Ryoko said calmly. "Proceed as if I'm not here."

"LIKE HELL!" Kyon yelled, as he made a motion with his hand to shoo Ryoko away. A hand appeared from under the door.

"Do you need toilet paper?" Emiri said, holding up a roll to Kyon from under the door, as Kyon decided that he could hold it in and ran out of the bathroom.

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Kyon opened the door to his house, exhausted from all the alien hijinx. He plopped himself on his bed, and looked up at the ceiling. _At least I'm safe from them here_. He thought, as he turned his head to the side… and noticed Ryoko.

"OH GODDAMMIT NOT AGAIN!" he shouted, falling off his bed. "I deserve some privacy! Stop following me!"

"I'm sorry Kyon, I'm afraid I can't do that." Ryoko said with her creepy Itsuki-esque grin. Kyon tried to run out the door, and bumped into Emiri, holding a sweater.

"You need to wear this." She said, holding up the orange wool sweater that had "Kyon" sewn into it. This is where Kyon started crying.

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Kyon walked into the SOS brigade clubroom, with sunken, blood-shot eyes and wearing his orange sweater, as Ryoko and Emiri walked behind him. The only one in the room was Yuki, who looked like she was ready to tear up the book she was reading. As Kyon sat down, husk-like, Yuki stood up, stomping her feet.

"I've had _enough _of this." she growled, making her way towards Ryoko and Emiri. "You two are going to stay away from Kyon, no matter what the Data Overmind says."

"Nagato, we're required to do this." Emiri said, as Yuki and Ryoko glared at each other. "We cannot defy orders from the Overmind."

"He's mine!" Ryoko shouted as she tackled Yuki, and alien combat tentacles and electricity went everywhere, the two somehow getting Emiri thrown into the mix.

"Get off me, you obnoxious Canadian!"

"Shut up, you flat-chested freak!

"Go to hell, you minor character!"

_Make it end…._ Kyon thought, as Haruhi entered the room. "Hey, Kyon. Hey, what are Yuki, Ryoko, and Emiri doing?"

_Here's my chance…._ Kyon thought, as he turned to Haruhi. "I'm John Smith."

It took less than a second for the universe to implode.

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Floating in subspace, The Overmind cursed. _God dammit… well hopefully superstarultra likes the story._

**The Canada Song (Script Format)**

**Kyon:** And then, the drunk guy says "I can't help, being an idiot, I'm Canadian!"

**Haruhi:** Ha! You're right, they're so pathetic, Ky-

**Ryoko:** (_runs into scene dressed as a Mountie_) Enough! There's been far too much Canada-bashing for far too long! I say no more!

**Haruhi:** Don't you mean no more, eh?

**Kyon: **Heh, good one.

**Ryoko: **Stop it! Instead, let us offer our Canadian brothers and sisters this song of tribute!

(_Music begins_)

**Ryoko:** Oh, I wish I was back in old Canada,

A land which I never shall lampoon!

How I pine for the ice covering Lake Manitoba,

And the beauty that is Saskatoon!

**Haruhi:** Let me try. (_Clears throat_)

Oh, I wish I was stuck in the hills of Alberta,

Drinking beer with some big dumb guy trapping fur!

As he scraped and chiseled all the moose dung off his boots,

I would learn that he's the Prime Minister!

**Ryoko: **Stop that!

**Kyon:** Oh, I wish I was in the land that gave us William Shatner,

Scott Pilgrim, Rush, and Mike Myers too!

**Ryoko: **That's the spirit!

**Kyon: **No, I take that back, I wouldn't go there even if you paid me,

Oh, Canada, you are a land I much eschew!

**Ryoko: **No! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop making fun of my favorite country and Axis Powers Hetalia character!

**Kyon: **Why bother celebrating them? They're the ones responsible for Justin Bieber and Ed the Sock!

**Haruhi: **Yeah! They're basically a rip-off of America, only more French!

**Ryoko: **…fine, I'll do a little good natured ribbing.

**Kyon: **Alright!

**Ryoko: **(_sighs_)

Oh, I wish I was blowing up Prince Edward Island,

And going on to bomb Ontario, hahaha!

The demolition of Canada and all of its culture

Is by far my favorite scenario!

**Kyon:** Whoa, that's kind of harsh….

**Ryoko: **No, no, I love this, I love it!

Just where the hell do goddamn Canadians

Get off even existing on this planet?

**Haruhi: **Yikes….

**Ryoko: **You pathetic, stinking francophonic, queen-loving assholes!

Your country's just a giant piece of sh-

**Kyon: **Ryoko, stop, that's enough!

**Ryoko: **(_sobbing_)Oh…oh god, what was I doing? I'm a disgrace to the uniform!

**Kyon: **It's ok, it's ok….

**A/N Notes:**

**I sincerely apologize to all the Canadians I just offended.**

**Review for a baby panda**


	4. Roleplaying

**A/N Notes:**

**You kids, with your Elder Scrolls and your Dragon Age and your Final Fantasy! You've got no appreciation for the roots of you and your whatnot RPGs! Now, sit down and let me tell you kids a little something about Dungeons and Dragons….**

**Why we can't have nice things**

Sitting around a table in a poorly lit room were five ominous figures. The lead figure spoke up. "In the quiet darkness, you stand before the gates to the Iron City of Dis, wherein lies the Archdemon Baal Kane, who was plagued you for many a year with his legions of undead. As the gates creak open, blazing fire lights the darkness as emerges the most horrid abomina-."

The figure was interrupted by a flick of the lights as Haruhi entered the room. "Hey nerds, whatcha doing?" she asked, as the Computer Club President stood up from behind the Dungeon Master's screen.

"Dammit Haruhi, you ruined the mood!" he grumbled, as the gathered players turned to Haruhi.

"What is it that you want, Suzumiya?" sighed Achakura, who had to sit on the table to reach her dice.

"Damn! My secret is revealed!" Sasaki said, hiding under the table. "You did not see me here! I was not playing D&D!"

"Like I said before, what are you doing?" Haruhi asked again.

"Playing Dungeons and Dragons." piped up Taniguchi, stacking his dice into a little tower.

"Pardon?" Haruhi asked, cocking her head to the side.

"Dungeons and Dragons. It's a fantasy roleplaying game. Basic goal is to kill monsters and collect treasure." the Computer Club President explained.

"Cool! Let me borrow all your Dungeons and Dragons stuff so I can play!" Haruhi exclaimed, as Achakura, Taniguchi, Sasaki, and the Computer Club President turned pale.

"Um, we're…using it…." the Computer Club President explained. _Oh god, if she starts playing D&D I can only dread the things that could happen…._

"Haru-chan~! I'll let you borrow my D&D stuff~!" the fifth player exclaimed, who just so happened to be The4thEmperor, as he stood up carrying a massive stack of D&D rulebooks, miniatures, dice, maps, and character sheets.

_This is going to go badly…. _the Computer Club President thought as Haruhi gladly snatched up the large pile of D&D materials from The4thEmperor and left without a word.

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Haruhi, wearing the most over-the-top wizard outfit, complete with a vampire cape and a large staff, loomed over the table. Yuki was dressed in her witch costume, Itsuki as a crusader, Mikuru as some sort of bondage princess, and Kyon in a gaily colored jester's uniform.

"Haruhi, what's going on?" Kyon asked, half hoping for no answer.

"We're going to be playing Dungeons and Dragons!" Haruhi happily exclaimed.

"So we're going to sit around, drink Mountain Dew, quote Monty Python, and wish we could get laid?" Kyon snarked, as Haruhi glared at him.

"You each shall take these character sheets." Haruhi said, passing out a sheet to each Brigade member. "Begin."

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(**Format Change! Change to script format**)

**Kyon**-Kyon the Human Bard

**Mikuru**-Mikuru the Elven Druid

**Yuki**-Yuki the Human Warlock

**Itsuki**-Itsuki the Human Paladin

**Haruhi**-The Dungeon Master

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**DM:** You stand in the town of uh, Sandwitch.

**Kyon: **Sandwich?

**DM: **Yes. Because it is to a very powerful sand witch.

**Kyon: **Is it a tasty sandwich?

**DM: **Kyon, don't be disgusting! Now then, all is peaceful in the town Sandwitch, as you stand in the town square. There is a small vegetable stand nearby.

**Itsuki: **I buy a vegetable…

**DM: **Alright.

**Itsuki: **…and smoke it. Is my character high?

**Yuki:** I shoot the vegetable salesman with _Infernal Blades_, heightened by my _Rod of Goetia +2 _and my _Heightened Vow_ feat. How many experience points do I receive?

**DM: **Um…one.

**Yuki: **Excellent.

**DM:** As you do this, an orc walks up to you.

**Mikuru:** I, er, attack it, um, with… Armor Class!

**Kyon:** Mikuru, that's not an attack, that's a stat.

**Mikuru: **Oh….

**DM: **"Greetings. I am Phillip, son of Bob." the orc says. "I need you adventurers to defeat the cyborg dragon that has plagued my people for many a year."

**Kyon: **Cyborg Dragon?

**DM:** Yeah, so? Anyway, as Phillip explains this, he's killed by a swarm of monkey bees and they are now attacking you. What do you do?

**Kyon: **Monkey bees? FUCKING MONKEY BEES?

**Itsuki: **I smoke 'em.

**Mikuru:** I cast, uh, equipment!

**Kyon:** Haruhi, my character put all his skills into Knowledge (Game Show Trivia)!

**Yuki: **I attack the monkey bees with my dual chain whips, which I add plus three to because of my specialization in long range melee fighting and cast _Burning Acidic Disease_ due to my use of the _Simultaneous Spell _feat.

**Mikuru: **Wait, no, I cast, uh, twelve sided die!

**Kyon: **Why is my character a eunuch?

**Itsuki: **Am I high yet?

**Yuki: **In addition, I use my time-warping proficiency to summon a pair of pterodactyls which I can control with my _+3 Staff of Reptile Mastery_.

**Mikuru: **Wait! I cast character sheet!

**DM: **SCREW THIS D&D SUCKS!

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The next day, Haruhi walked in carrying another stack of RPG materials, as Kyon looked on in horror.

"Um, Haruhi, I thought you gave up on D&D…." Kyon said, sweating.

"I did! But I found this way better game, Call of Cthulhu!"

_Dun-dun-dun-dun!_

**A/N Notes:**

**Haruhi's D&D group is a lot less frustrating than mine.**

**Monkey Bees are a real D&D monster. Fear the Monkey Bee.**

**Also, don't tell Haruhi, but I think superstarultra might actually write a HaruhixThe4thEmperor fic. :3**

**Review for a coupon to Chili's**


	5. Kuyou

**OMG HALLO PPLZ! teh 4themperer isnt ritin tday becuz hes busy wit chrismas stuffs so he told meh, KUYOU!, too rite the chaptr for hems SO RNR PPLZ!**

**teh melancoli of kuyou**

kuyo was a alein taht was maed by teh sky camopy domino nd also she was a vampure but she cud go out in sunlite becuz they did it in twilite (AND STOP HAETIN ON TWILITE!1!1 HAETRS STOP BEAN HAETRS!1) and she woar a black cosret wit redlipstuk and sge also wore fsihnets and stokicngs and she had tihs reely cool umberla that she carried. kuyou was in tihs grope of pplz that were teh auntie sos brigaed and they wer called this becuz they faut these bad gaiz called teh SOS brigaed who where ebul.

kuyo was in teh room were the auntie sos always meat up in and she was ther with teh other menbers liek fuji-kun who was handsum and was in luv wit kuyou becuz she was really hawt and cool and there was saski who was god and ther was kyoko who was a bitch.

kuyo was playing guitar which she was really good at (SHE CUD PLAY SMOKE ON TEH WATER!) wehn they heard a nock on teh door and fuji-kun went and opened and ther was yuki who was evul and in teh sos bergaed and she siad "ye shalte bowe to haruhi snde nawte listene to goffike muzicke any moare, pishe poshe, tea ande biscutes." she said vilanously like an ebil gai becuz she was one and she was british (ITS CANNON RAED TEH NOVLS!1!) and kuyo was like "FOCK THAT YUO FOCKING PREP" she said amd yuki left and kuyo had to go and find haruhi and teh sos brigaed and stop tem from doing their evul dead.

MEANWILE

in the evul base of teh sos brugade yuki was stangind in front of… HARUHI! "soone we shalte defeate thate buggere kuyou ande here freindes ande kyuoko who ise a bitche." yuki said evily and haruhi laughed "YES AND WE WILL CRUSH TEHM LIKE GRAEPS TAHT ARE BEAN SAMSHED WIT AHAMMR AND THEIR REALLY SOFT GRAPES!1" she muttered ebully and tehy both laffed leik evil villans becuz they where. meanwihle kuyo was snaeking into teh ebul base and she wuz relly stealthy becuz she was quiet. "IMM A CRUSH YOU FISRT!" she shouted but they didn't here hur becuz she was reilly quit. Then she humped into the room but she didn't reilly jump becuz she was using a moatercycle which dosent jump becuz it dosnt have laegs. "MOOOOOOOOO!" haruhi shouted becuz her ebul plan was runed and she ran away and yuki tryed to fite but kuyo punched her and wonned. then she turned around and standing in the door was… kyoko! who isa bitch. "hallo kuyo" she saed evuly becuz she was ebil now and kuyo pynched here in teh face and beet here becuz she winned. Then kuyo went to go fund haruhi and she looked in teh cafertia but she wasnt there but there was jello so kuyo got some and ate sum. (GREEN JELLO TASTES WAI BETTER THAN OARNGE IF YOU THINK SO COPY THIS TO YOUR PORFILE!1) then kuyo left the cafeteria and tried to find haruhi and she was tapped on teh sholder and there was… FUJI-KUN! "kuyo-chan I was lonely so I followed you." He sad and it was moe and he was reilly bishie and hawt and then they sexed in teh hollway and it was hawt then kuyou had to go becuz she had to fite haruhi.

LAETR

kuyou stood in front of haruhi becuz she found her and haruhi laffed. "FOOLISH FOOL DO YOU THINK YOU CAN DEFEET ME BECUZ YOU CANT BECUZ IMMA STRONG LIEK A SRTONG GAI WITH A LOT OF MUSSELS!" harhi said ebully and it was so ebul that it killed a puppy which was bad and kuyo was like "YOU SHALL DIE!" and her hair turned yello like that goku gai and she punched haruhi reilly hard and harhi got pinched into a wall and coverred wiff rocks and kuyou saved teh day. Then she wnet bac to teh clubrum.

…

…

…

THEN HARUHIS HAND POPPED OUT OF THE GROUND!1!

TO BE CONTIUNED!1!

**OMG GAIZ WHAT DO YOU THINK? RNR CUZ THIS IS THE BEST FNFIC EVAH REELY!**

**A/N Notes:**

…**that was really bad… I need a drink… look forward to the multi-part Christmas special….**


	6. Christmas Part One: The First One

**A/N:**

**Happy Holidays! Here's the first part of the Christmas special, which is yet another goddamn Christmas Carol parody. **

**A Very Stupid Christmas Part 1**

The brigade meeting was over. Everyone was heading home. It was two days before Christmas Eve, and everyone was happy… well, everyone except Kyon.

Santa Claus was a lie, Kyon had known for most of his life, and his gifts were fairly subpar, so he was apathetic towards the holiday until he had met Haruhi. Then he really started to hate the holiday. Haruhi had demanded that they wait in line for three hours at KFC to get the traditional Japanese Christmas meal of fried mutated chicken, only to find out that they were sold out, which caused Haruhi to create a massive closed space that was only solved when Kyon let Itsuki hold his hands and breath on him. After Haruhi's brief yaoi fantasy was satisfied, she then had Kyon dress up as the "Elf of Christmas Joy" and sing off-key carols. This had imprinted a deep loathing of the holiday into Kyon's brain, associating Christmas with Haruhi's antics, which were heightened by the holiday it seemed.

Kyon walked into his bedroom, collapsing on to his bed. "Bah Humbug…." he muttered as he drifted off to sleep, exhausted from the club meeting.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Kyon's eyes popped open. It was the middle of the night. _I must have been asleep for a while…. _he thought, as he turned his head. Standing in front of his bed was a pale ghostly figure straight out of Kyon's worst nightmares.

"HOLY CRAP KOIZUMI WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?" Kyon screamed at the top of his lungs as Itsuki smiled his eerie grin.

"Kyon~, I'm here to warn you~! Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts~!" Itsuki said, floating around Kyon's bed.

"Koizumi, when exactly did you become a spectral demon of Satan?"

"I'm not Koizumi~, Kyon~…" Koizumi said. "I am… GHOST KOIZUMI!"

"…and do you count as one of the ghosts?" Kyon asked.

"No~…." Koizumi said as he faded away. Kyon blinked. Then he went back under the covers.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Later that night, Kyon was awoken once again, this time by a spectral Mikuru. Kyon was a lot less shocked this time.

"Thank god, a wet dream, I needed one of those." Kyon said, sighing happily.

"Um, Kyon, this isn't a wet dream." Mikuru said, edging away from Kyon, disturbed. "I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, and I am here to show you what Christmas was like long ago….

**Fade to Stone Age**

A mastodon fur-clothed caveman that bore a massive resemblance to Kyon sat by a cave a fire burning next to him as he shivered, snow covering the ground like icing on the cake. He was hit in the hit with a bone by a cavewoman that bore a massive resemblance to Haruhi, who then walked off. Sighing, he looked up at the sky, then he realized something.

"Hey! Wait a moment! Jesus wasn't even born yet! How can we be celebrating Christmas if it hasn't been invented yet!" Cave Kyon exclaimed. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant pterodactyl ridden by a caveman that bore a massive resemblance to Seto Kaiba swooped down and snatched up Cave Kyon.

"Hold on a sec!" Cave Kyon exclaimed. "Cavemen and pterosaurs didn't live at the same time!"

"Screw the rules, I have a random cameo!" Cave Kaiba laughed. "I'll keep this in mind for when I sue The4thEmperor again."

**Fade back to Modern Day**

"That made no sense." Kyon complained.

Ghost Mikuru shrugged. "Don't blame me. That's what happened." she said as she faded away.

Kyon sighed, going back to bed and hoping this time to have a much more interesting dream about Mikuru… preferably involving chocolate sauce.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Kyon woke up once again, this time to see a spectral Yuki standing at the foot of his bed.

"I am the Ghost of Christmas Presents…." Yuki said flatly.

"Don't you mean Christmas Present?" Kyon asked.

"Whatever. I am here to show you Christmas as it currently is." Yuki said.

**Fade to Modern Day**

**A/N Notes:**

**Happy Holidays! Here's the first part of the Christmas special, which is yet another goddamn Christmas Carol parody. **

**A Very Stupid Christmas Part 1**

The brigade meeting was over. Everyone was heading home. It was two days before Christmas Eve, and everyone was happy… well, everyone except Kyon.

Santa Claus was a lie, Kyon had known for most of his life, and his gifts were fairly subpar, so he was apathetic towards the holiday until he had met Haruhi. Then he really started to hate the holiday. Haruhi had demanded that they wait in line for three hours at KFC to ge-

**Switch back to Kyon and Yuki**

"Hold on!" Kyon exclaimed. "That's the beginning of the fic!"

"OK. Then how about this…." Ghost Yuki said.

**Fade to Modern Day**

"Nothing happened." Kyon complained.

"That's right. That's because this is Christmas Present." Ghost Yuki said fading away.

Kyon went back to sleep, hoping that Itsuki did count as a ghost and that he could finally sleep undisturbed.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Kyon, for the third time, woke up, this time to see a ghostly Haruhi. "Let me guess, you're the Ghost of Christmas Future." He said, nonchalantly.

"Yes." Ghost Haruhi said, pulling out a .38 magnum. "I have been sent into the past in order to kill you and prevent you from having the child that will defeat the robot uprising."

Kyon blinked. And then he ran. Robot Ghost Haruhi then began to fire the pistol at Kyon as he bolted out of the room, chased by the homicidal robo-ghost. Kyon rushed around his house, attempting to find some way to defeat the android murderer, who cackled manically. "Get back here Kyon, so I can kill you and create a robot utopia!"

Kyon found himself stuck at the end of the hallway. There was nothing left to do, so grabbed a little Santa and flung it towards Robot Ghost Haruhi like a cross. Robot Ghost Haruhi reeled back, hissing. "No! Curse you Kyon!"

Kyon moved in closer, clutching the mini-Santa. "The power of Santa compels you… the power of Santa compels you!" he exclaimed as Robot Ghost Haruhi attempted to flee. He plunged the Santa figurine into the Robot Ghost's heart. The mechanical specter hissed as it dissolved away. "I'll… be… back…."

Kyon slumped to the ground, looking over at the Santa Claus figurine, now lying among the ashes of the slain robo-ghost.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

The next day, Kyon burst into the clubroom, clad in a Santa suit. "HO HO HO, BITCHES!" he exclaimed, receiving stares from the brigade members.

"Um, Kyon, what the hell are you doing?" Haruhi asked, confused by Kyon's enthusiasm. Kyon turned to Haruhi, a gleam in his eye.

"I am no longer the Kyon you knew, Haruhi!" Kyon exclaimed, jumping up onto the table Haruhi, Yuki and Itsuki was sitting at, accidentally spilling the tea Mikuru was carrying all over Itsuki.

"Kyon, are you high?" Haruhi asked, as Itsuki screamed in pain and Yuki covered up her face with her book. Mikuru cowered in fear from Kyon, who was supposed to be the sane one.

"If by high, you mean high above the human conscious and reaching a new level of realization; then yes, yes I am! For you see I have discovered the true meaning of Christmas! I am now SANTA KYON!" Kyon yelled, striking a pose

Everyone in the room stared at Kyon. It was silent for the longest time, as if they were afraid that if they spoke, Kyon might do something worse. Then Haruhi punched him.

"It was for your own good." Haruhi said. She was really starting to hate Christmas now.

**A/N:**

**That's only the beginning! Next chapter, people get drunk on eggnog! And look forward to the grand finale of it all, The Fight before Christmas!**


	7. Christmas Part Two: The Short One

**A/N:**

**Well, over the last few days I have learned something:**

**Durandall hates me.**

**But who cares! Here's more random Christmas-themed crack:**

**A Very Stupid Christmas Part 2**

It was the day before Christmas Eve, and Kyon had been cured of his psychosis via electroshock therapy and a few slaps up the head. Having been kicked out for the day, Kyon was forced to spend his time with Taniguchi and Kunikida, to his dismay.

"Hey, Kyon, Kunikida!" Taniguchi exclaimed, swinging his arms over their shoulders. "You two are totally coming to my Christmas party tonight, right? It'll be awesome! There's gonna be plenty of chicks~!"

"No thanks." Kyon said, removing Taniguchi's arm from his shoulder. "I really don't want to be involved with this." As Kyon walked off, Taniguchi turned to Kunikida, giving him begging puppy dog eyes.

"…you know what, sure, why not?" Kunikida said with an affable smile. Taniguchi fist pumped and ran about fifty feet before turning back around.

"My place, five o'clock!" he shouted, and with that he was gone.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Sure enough, Kunikida arrived at Taniguchi's house, where Taniguchi immediately thrust open the door. "C'mon in, Kunikida, the party's just about to start!" Taniguchi exclaimed, standing aside as Kunikida walked in. The main hall lead immediately into the party room, which was barren except for a few chairs, and a table on which rested nothing other than a bowl of potato chips, some bottles of eggnog, and a few plastic cups.

Kunikida blinked. "Um, Taniguchi, this isn't really much of a party…." he said, scratching the back of his head.

"It will pick up soon, just give it a little while!" Taniguchi said. "Say, how about some eggnog?"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

In only twenty minutes, Kunikida had downed six cups of eggnog. His face was now red and he was occasionally struck with fits of giggling.

"You know, Taniguchi, man, *hic* you're my only friend, you know that?" Kunikida said, leaning on the Casanova wannabe.

"…that's nice, Kunikida…." Taniguchi said, avoiding eye contact.

"No, really, I *hic* mean it. You're the only one who understands me. You know what? I'm,*hic* glad that that Kyon bastard didn't come. Good *hic* riddance! We don't need him to have a fun time! Look *hic* at the ball we're having!" Kunikida yelled, repeatedly slapping Taniguchi on the back.

"…Kunikida, I think it's a good time for you to go home…." Taniguchi said, edging away from his drunken friend, who due to lack of support fell over.

"Leave? The party is just starting!" Kunikida exclaimed, stumbling up. "You know, *hic* that Tsuyura is one HELL of a woman, let me tell you! I mean, damn! Just look at her!"

"…Kunikida, I'll walk you home." Taniguchi said, grabbing Kunikida by the hand and dragging him out the door.

"Aw, c'mon! I'm perfectly *hic* sober!" Kunikida exclaimed, as he was lugged home.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

The next day, Kunikida came up to Taniguchi, scratching the back of his head. "Say, er I'm sorry about getting drunk last night at your house and causing a fuss…." He said, giving a slight bow.

Taniguchi shrugged. "No problem. Say, Kunikida?"

"Yeah?"

"You do realize that there was no alcohol in the eggnog…."

"…oh."

**A/N**

**Sorry for the short chapter and its general shortness, I'm busy working with some other products, including the next chapter and gasp an actually serious fic!**

**Review for a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer**


	8. Christmas Part Three: The Last One

**A/N:**

**Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays! I've prepared my wackiest chapter yet: The Fight before Christmas! Thanks to superstarultra for beta-reading!**

**A Very Stupid Christmas Finale**

It was the night before Christmas. Haruhi was standing in the middle of a cold, windy street downtown that was currently in the center of a Closed Space. The only others there with her at the time were the other members of the SOS Brigade.

"You think they'll really come?" Kyon asked, quirking his head to the side and rubbing his hands together in a desperate attempt to stay warm.

"I'm positive," Haruhi said her gaze fixed to the other side of the street. In the distance, a lone shadowy figure appeared, followed by a second, a third, and a fourth. Within a few seconds, the Anti-SOS Brigade had reached them, Sasaki heading them.

"So glad you could make it, Suzumiya," Sasaki said, smirking. "Are you ready for me to take back my rightful place as ruler of the universe?"

"Just try me. Now then, how about we each take one of the other team on?" the fiery brunette offered nonchalantly.

"…Suzumiya, there are five people on your team."

"Hah! That's what you think. Yuki, Mikuru, now!"

Nodding simultaneously, Yuki and Mikuru touched the tips of their fingers together and suddenly, in a dazzling flash of light, the two girls were combined into one tall, busty female with dark purple hair.

"Behold, Yukuru!" Haruhi exclaimed, gesturing to her fused teammates with an open palm.

"How is that possible? How is it possible for you to have mastered the fusion technique?" Sasaki shouted in shock as her cohorts looked on in equal surprise.

"Classified," Yukuru said stoically, the only movement being the wind through her hair.

After taking a moment to regain her composure, Sasaki snickered. "No matter. Even if you have mastered such a technique, you still stand no chance against us. One on one, as you said."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Kyon stood before a smug Fujiwara further down the road, who stood ready with a metallic handle of some sort in his hands. He pressed a small indent on the side of it with his right thumb, allowing a sickly green beam of light to exit out of its top. It resembled a cutlass in shape and crackled with the occasional pops of blue electricity.

"Prepare for our battle, Kyon," Fujiwara said, smirking viciously. "I've wanted to do this for a long, _long_ time."

"Those things are for wusses," Kyon said, taking a fighting stance. "I'll take you on with my bare fists alone."

"Ha! Then I'll just have to slice them off, you fool! Prepare to die!" Fujiwara shouted, swinging his beam saber at the other boy. Suddenly, Kyon became engulfed in a golden aura, his hair now blond and spiky.

"How in the…? He… He's some sort of… Super Kyon!" Fujiwara exclaimed in horror, shielding his eyes. Then he lowered his arm and scrunched up his face in confusion. "Wait a second, that's just stupid! And incredibly cliché!"

"_How dare you insult my true form! Prepare for my super technique: MOTHERFUCKING STORM OF LOYALTY!" _Kyon screamed in a guttural voice, shooting a volley of golden blasts at Fujiwara. The time-traveler had just enough time to blink and utter a word before they all collided into his location.

"…Shit."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile, Itsuki clashed with Kyouko high above the buildings below, each one blasting the other with psychic energy.

"You're powerful, Koizumi, but my love for Sasaki shall prevail!" Kyouko shouted, tossing another blast at her opponent.

"That is what you may think, but my love for Kyon is even stronger!" Itsuki haughtily replied, knocking the projectile back towards the rival esper with a swipe.

"No, my love for Sasaki!" Kyouko argued, countering with another attack.

"No, my love for Kyon!" Itsuki shot back, reflecting the blast.

"No, Sasaki!"

"No, Kyon!"

"_Sasaki!_"

"_Kyon!_"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile, Yukuru and Kuyou were relentlessly fighting in an abandoned lot. For every blow one of them landed, the other returned one just as strong.

"lulz, im totally pwnz u, n00b!1" Kuyou yelled, unnecessarily loud.

"Data processing: Prediction: 10001010101101 0010010100110100101," Yukuru said flatly. The other alien titled her head in bewilderment.

"…ur no fun" Kuyou grumbled, running up for a punch.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile _again_, Sasaki and Haruhi were still standing in the original meeting spot. The two of them were each building up energy for an attack that was sure to leave the other one severely wounded.

"KYAAAAH!"

"KYOOOOOH!"

"_**HAAAAAAAH!**_"

"_**NAAAAAAAAH!**_"

Just as the two goddesses were about to clash, a new voice was heard on the field.

"NYOOOOOOOROOOOOO!"

Everybody froze and ceased their fighting.

Sasaki turned around, a look of shock on her face. "I know only one group that uses that as their battle cry…." she said as she cast a finger at the newcomers. "THE NOM (**N**eutralizing the World by **O**verflowing it with Cheese **M**inor Characters) BRIGADE!"

"Nyohohoho, that's right!" Tsuyura boastfully laughed, escorted by her two lieutenants, Ryoko and Emiri, and her apprentice, Imouto. "Go, Taniguchi, Kunikida, Computer Guy, and Chairman! Soften up our enemies for us!"

"Wait! I thought I got to be in charge!" the Student Council Chairman complained, shaking a fist at the heiress. "This will not do! I hereby separate from the NOM Brigade to form the MAN (**M**inor Characters that are Male and used to be **A**ffiliated with the **N**OM Brigade) Brigade!"

Upon hearing that, the other three males in the group shrugged, then jogged over to join their newly appointed leader. Tsuruya scowled at the group and then turned to face Haruhi and Sasaki with a sinister grin.

"Very well!" Haruhi shouted, winding up her left arm. "A four way match! Prepare yourselves!" Seeing these new threats to their leaders, the members of the SOS Brigade and the Anti-SOS Brigade ceased fighting and rushed over to stand alongside their respective gods. Each of them struck their own goofy pose to try and intimidate the other fighters.

None of them really did work.

As the four sides recklessly got ready to charge into battle, suddenly, there was a jingle of bells heard in the distance.

Everyone's head jerked up at the sudden sound. Flying overhead was a red light that was slowly growing larger and larger. The groups stood there, silent, as the mysterious light soon appeared to be the light emanating from the nose of a mighty stag, which led eight others behind it, all of them pulling a war chariot. The chariot landed in the center of the battle ground, as the twelve foot-tall charioteer emerged from it. He wore a blood red cloak over iron armor and an eye-patch over his left eye. He wielded a huge spear that could be used to harpoon dinosaurs and on his head sat a fearsome Viking helm.

The assortment of supernatural beings and normal humans looked on in amazement at the figure, too frightened to speak, before Haruhi finally mustered up the courage. "S-S-Santa?" she asked, staring at the imposing giant, who bent down on his knee to face her.

"Yes, Haruhi, Santa does exist," he said, the air around him cold as ice, but his voice warm. "I have seen you do battle against each other, and you are all formidable warriors. But this is not the true way to settle a dispute such as this one. You will never find happiness if you continue to go on like this. You must learn to live in peace with one another... or I'll kick the shit out of your scrawny little asses. Understood?"

And with that, Santa left, and the characters of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya never fought again.

...At least, until the next chapter.

**For Christmas, Haruhi got fried chicken.**

**Kyon got annoyed.**

**Yuki got an eroge.**

**Mikuru got a maid costume. Again.**

**Itsuki got a restraining order.**

**Tsuruya got smoked-cheese.**

**Ryoko got a set of knives.**

**Emiri got a rock. Again.**

**Imouto got a PS3. Through extortion.**

**Taniguchi got some panties.**

**Kunikida… well, who gives a damn about Kunikida?**

**The Computer Club President got a computer. Again.**

**The Student Council Chairman got a troll doll. He collects them apparently.**

**Sasaki got pissed off with the gag.**

**Fujiwara got a lump of coal. Again.**

**Kuyou got an honest review for her stories. She cried in her room for a week. Everyone enjoyed that brief respite from her. **

**Kyouko got whipped cream. She tried to use it on Sasaki. Then she got a black eye. **

**The readers got bored.**

**The4thEmperor got turned down by Haruhi. Again. Oh, and he got Skyrim.**

**A/N:**

**And that's the Christmas special! I hope you enjoyed it and next time around… well, you'll see.**


	9. Poop

**A/N:**

**I'm back, baby, and its 2012! (Belated a bit, I know.)**

**But anyway, my most horrid abomination yet:**

**(Warning: If you're unfamiliar with Youtube Poop, you're gonna be confused as hell.)**

**Spaghetti Dinner:**

"Gee, it sure is _boring _around here…." Haruhi said, stretching her arms above her head in the clubroom.

"That's nice, Haruhi... Wait, what the HELL are you wearing!" Kyon exclaimed in surprise as he looked up, noticing that Haruhi was wearing green tights, a green shirt, and a green night-cap.

"What are you, some sort of leprechaun?"

Suddenly, Tsuruya burst into the room, wearing bright orange robes. "MAH BOI, this peace is what all true warriors strive for!" she said, gulping down a cup of wine that she just happened to be carrying with her at the time.

"What's going on? Have you all gone insane? Or are you two just _really_ frigging hammered!" Kyon yelled, not knowing whether to stare at Haruhi or Tsuruya.

"I just wonder what the Computer Research Society President is up to!" Haruhi said aloud to herself. She stroked her chin soon after that, completely ignoring her subordinate.

"That dialogue doesn't even flow all that well…" Kyon muttered under his breath.

Suddenly, Itsuki crashed through the window on a flying red carpet, dressed like a retarded purple sultan. "Your Majesty, the Computer Research Society President and his minions have seized the Island of Koridai!" he exclaimed, bowing to Tsuruya, despite the fact that the Island of Koridai did not exist.

"Hmmm…." Tsuruya said, deep in thought. "How can we help?"

"It is written 'Only Haruhi can defeat The Computer Research Society President'," Itsuki replied, holding up and pointing to a sheet of paper that looked like it had been scribbled on by a five-year old.

"You made that up just know, didn't you?" Kyon snarked.

"Great! I'll grab my stuff!" Haruhi gabbled excitedly.

"Haruhi, _please_ don't, we're in a public place," Kyon said, shaking his head.

"There is no time, your sword is enough," Itsuki quickly spoke as Haruhi hopped onto the carpet, wielding a blade. "Squadalah, we're off!"

The two then flew out the window and into the distance. A dead silence lingered in the air as Kyon and Tsuruya stood alone in the room.

"…I wonder what's for dinner…" Tsuruya contemplated.

-0-0-0-0- (Meanwhile)-0-0-0-0-

"Wait, how the heck did I end up here?" Kyon yelled, suddenly teleported outside of the school.

"Sure was nice of Tsuyura to invite us over for a picnic, Gay Kunikida?" Taniguchi said, dressed in a pair of overalls and a bright red hat, walking up the hill to North High alongside Kunikida.

"Stop calling me gay!" Kunikida replied, dressed similarly, but in green. "Anyway, I hope she made lots of spaghetti!"

Kyon slapped himself in the forehead, utterly flabbergasted. "Has the whole world gone insane!" he yelled. That's when he heard some kind of commotion coming from in front of him.

"Kunikida, look!" Taniguchi said, pointing out a note on one of the front doors to North High. "It's from the Student Council Chairman!" he said, picking the note up after passing by Kyon.

"Dear, pesky secondary characters, the Computer Research Society President and I have seized the Island of Koridai. I dare you to try and find the Dinner if you can!"

Kyon fought back a brief ulcer and succeeded.

"We gotta help the Dinner!" Taniguchi dramatically stated.

"And YOU gotta help us!" Kunikida said, jabbing a finger at Kyon.

"Why do_ I_ have to help you?" Kyon yelled back.

The two dimwits proceeded to ignore their friend's query and continued. "If you have any problems, check the Enclosed Instruction Book," Taniguchi pointed out, raising his left index finger up in the air.

"And where exactly would that be?" Kyon asked in a skeptic tone of voice.

"Over there!" Kunikida said, once again jabbing his finger, this time towards a book in the corner.

"Um, okay…." Kyon murmured, picking up the so-called Instruction Book. He then held it up to his face for a better look. He soon wished he hadn't.

"Hello. I am the Enclosed Instruction Book," Yuki said, her blank face looking like it was fused into the front of the book's cover.

"OKAY, THIS IS REALLY FUCKING WEIRD!" Kyon screeched, nearly shooting up several thousand feet into the air. "Okay, ummm, Nagato, how exactly do we get to Koridai?"

"Take the hot air balloon," Yuki said, nudging towards the left.

Kyon glanced to left to see a giant hot air balloon now set in the middle of the school's courtyard. "Okay..."

As Kyon, Yuki, Taniguchi, and Kunikida approached the hot air balloon, out of it suddenly popped… Haruhi in a bunny-girl suit.

"HELLO, THERE!" she greeted loudly. "I am Doctor Suzumiya, the world's only bunny-girl dentist!"

"Weren't you Link just a little while ago?" Kyon pointed out, trying to make a little sense out of this already warped day.

"Shut up! Now then, I'm about to-"

**Huh? Who's there?**

_**It's me, you moron! Not only have you written a nonsensical piece of crap, but I haven't even appeared in it yet!**_

**Ryoko, please, calm down, don't sta- AUGH! **

_**There. Bye-bye.**_

**The… fanfic… must go on…. I have… only one… hope left… superstarultra…*dies***

**Eh, sure. Why not. I can whip some stuff up. **

_**What in the blazes is this? superstarultra? But you've been inactive for quite some time now!**_

**Gee, thanks. Why not shout that a little louder. Now stand back as I give you a fitting role in this chapter.**

_**DON'T YOU DARE MAKE ME ACT LIKE A BUFFOON, YOU-**_

Back to the story, Kyon, Taniguchi, Kunikida, Yuki the talking book, and the aforementioned Doctor Suzumiya were floating right above the high school in their hot air balloon.

"I wonder where Koridai is?" Taniguchi said out loud to the rest of the party.

"Koridai, eh? You wanna go there? Why, it's right over there!" Haruhi declared in a jolly voice, pointing down at the rooftop of North High. Right next to the entrance of the school was a wooden sign shaped like an arrow that read "This way to Koridai".

Kyon didn't know whether to jump for joy or slap himself.

"Just take this thing to... Koridai down there and we'll take over from that point," the boy explained, gesturing to himself and Yuki the Instruction Book.

"Can't do that!" Haruhi spoke. "We're going to a place that's much more exciting than Koridai!"

"...And just where would that be?" Kyon asked.

Haruhi gave him a big cheesy grin and shouted, "AFRICAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~!"

The other four occupants of the balloon stared at Haruhi as if she had just declared her love for Fujiwara. Speaking of which...

**Elsewhere...**

"When I was a lad, I ate four dozen eggs, every morning to help me get large~!" Fujiwara sang from atop a table in the Anti-SOS Brigade's headquarters. Around him, the female members of the group were giving him mixed reactions. Sasaki had an annoyed, yet curious look on her face, Kyouko was looking at the time-traveler in confusion, and Kuyou had her face buried in her hands.

"He's been singing for half an hour now," Kyouko remarked in total bewilderment.

"And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs, so I'm roughly the size of a baaarge~!" Fujiwara continued, flexing his arms goofily.

"Yeah, he has," Sasaki spoke. "Nice set of lungs, I might add."

"Nooo ooone... Walks like Fujiwara, no one talks like Fujiwara, no one tries to give free will back to mankind like Fujiwara! I USE ANTLERS IN ALL OF MY DECORATING~! No one is better than meee~!" Fujiwara shouted at the top of his lungs. Then he started to stomp around and kick assorted objects off the table as he began another verse.

"_Song._Annoying._Please stop,_" Kuyou weakly begged from behind her hands.

"_**NO ONE STOPS OVER THE TOP MUSICAL NUMBERS LIKE FUJIWARA~!**_"

**Back to Our Main Characters... **

"C'mon, Africa will be fun!" Haruhi complained.

"Land this balloon right now or I'll tell Colgate all about what you've said and done," Kyon stated in a deadpan manner.

"...You wouldn't _dare_!" the bunny-girl gasped in fear.

"We all know how you REALLY feel about Africa, Doctor Suzumiya," Yuki said.

Knowing defeat, Haruhi pouted and guided the balloon down to the roof of the school below. Once they had settled, Kyon got off with Yuki, Taniguchi and Kunikida following them. Haruhi hopped after the group, feeling there was nothing better to do. As the group filed down the hallway, it became increasingly dark.

"Gee, it's kinda dark," Kyon observed, ignorant to the joke he had just set up.

"Ya bring a light?" asked the green-clad Kunikida.

Taniguchi turned his head over his shoulder and said, "NO."

"...Why did you put so much emphasis on just that one word?" Kyon asked. Yuki just rolled her eyes.

"How are we gonna find the Dinner with all the power going out?" Kunikida said, flat-out ignoring his other friend.

"Maybe there's a switch in one of the rooms!" Taniguchi exclaimed, wearing a look of complete stupidity on his face. "Remind me to check~!"

Kyon blinked repeatedly. "Who the hell are you even talking _to_?"

But Taniguchi and Kunikida kept on ignoring Kyon. They bumbled past him in the dark hall and continued going forward until they let out some loud screams. When the other three rushed over, they found a large gaping pit in the floor.

"Gosh! Maybe they both fell into some BOILING lava!" Haruhi concluded in awe. Kyon simply stared at her before pushing her down the pit. Then he jumped down after her, using Yuki as a makeshift hang-glider to sail down.

"I'm starting to think I shouldn't let Haruhi use the clubroom computer anymore..." Kyon mused to himself.

"WE BETTER NOT FALL FOR HOURS BECAUSE OF THIS, YOU BUM!" the self-proclaimed rabbit doctor yelled from further down the hole. They continued to fall only for another couple of seconds before the hole suddenly stopped. Kyon looked down below to see the others sprawled out on some pillows on a floor made of stone. he and Yuki drifted towards them and saw that they both had come out of a metal chute that was stuck in the ceiling.

"Where are we?" Kyon asked, looking around. From the looks of it, they were in some kind of torch-lit cave made up of red rocks.

"YOU..." a figure cloaked in shadow at the far end of the cave boomed, "ARE MY PRISONERS." The figure stood up from a stone throne and stepped towards them.

Kyon felt his sanity plummet as the person stepped into the light. "It's... the Student Council Chairman?"

True enough, it was the Student Council Chairman. He was wearing a red robe with long green sleeves, a black cape, golden wristbands, and a golden medallion around his neck. Despite his outfit, he wore a look of pure evil on his face. As if to further confuse Kyon, the Computer Research Society President popped up from right behind the throne. Like the chairman, he was wearing a costume, too, dressed up like some kind of spiky-shelled Kappa with an orange mohawk.

"MWA HA HA HA HA!" the president laughed creepily from behind the throne.

"It's that creepy Computer Research Society President laugh!" gasped Kunikida. From his side, Kyon facepalmed.

**In a Nearby Room...**

Unbeknownst to the large group, their activities were being monitored by two shady characters. These two were none other than Ryoko Asakura and Emiri Kimidori, the top two resident jerks of the Haruhi Suzumiya series.

"Hmmmmm, it appears that Kyon is the only one who is not under the influence of Haruhi Suzumiya after she watched those videos on the internet. Interesting," Emiri mused from empty the classroom she and Ryoko were in. "If we keep on watching them, we are sure to discover the alternate source of evolutionary power that will free the Overmind from stagnation. We'll just have to make sure we don't fall under Suzumiya's influence as well, Asakura."

"Eh heh heh heh..." Ryoko chuckled darkly, sitting atop a desk. She was facing the direction Kyon and the others were in, with her back to Emiri.

Not satisfied with her cohort's lack of response, the green-haired alien, gently gripped her by the shoulder. "Asakura, didn't you just hear what I had to say?"

There was no response.

"Asakura? What are you-"

And that was when the sinister piano music started to play.

"Oh, look, what clever children!" Ryoko sang, pointing at the wall in front of her. "See them study, watch them learn! How I **HATE **those goody-goodies! How they make my stomach churn..." Ryoko stood up and dramatically gripped her abdomen.

"Asakura? What's gotten into you? And why the musical accompaniment?" a puzzled Emiri asked.

Ryoko started pacing around with a sneaky expression. "I've got a little secret... That'll really make 'em cry~! It's a nasty kind of magic, from a special kind of guy~!" She stopped her pacing and then started to hop around from foot to foot like a kangaroo while loud organ music played.

"...I'm worried about you now," her superior finally said after a moment's hesitation.

"This book is made to order!" Ryoko belted out, holding up an ancient-looking tome in brown leather she pulled out of nowhere. "But it isn't to be read! When they open up this book..." Ryoko raised her arms with a devious grin. "They're sucked inside instead!"

"Asakura, are you sure that isn't the Necronomicon?" Emiri questioned, raising an eyebrow as her comrade kept dancing around.

**Back with Our Heroes...**

"Mr. Chairman, I have no idea why Haruhi wants to teach children about oral hygiene, but a while ago she was talking about saving the Island of Koridai from you and your minions," Kyon explained to the chairman. "Seeing as how you already know how insane Haruhi is and she is currently wearing a bunny-girl outfit, it would be in your best interest to give up... whatever it is you were planning to do."

"I can't wait to bomb some Dodongos~!" Haruhi shouted, now wearing her Link outfit. Everyone stared at her, wondering how she was able to change out of that skimpy costume without anyone noticing.

It was promptly ignored in favor of continuing the nonsensical plot.

Ignoring Haruhi completely, the chairman pointed a finger straight at Kyon and roared, "SILENCE! Nakagawa! Keep the runt in chains!"

Nakagawa suddenly slithered up to the group, dressed in a robe of various blues. "Yes, master..." he rasped, spreading his arms to perform some kind of curse. Kyon braced himself while Taniguchi and Kunikida shook in fear.

Suddenly...

"HIYAAAAH!" cried out a voice from above. It was Mikuru of all people, decked out in a purple and pink dress. She wore some kind of circlet around her head and carried a sword in her hands. With that very same sword, she proceeded to stab Nakagawa in the chest.

"Holy crap!" Kyon yelled. His heart-throb had just committed murder!

"YOU... KIIILLED MEEE!" Nakagawa cried, dissolving into a bubbling puddle of blue slime with a cartoonish heart and a pair of blinking eyeballs lying in the middle of it.

"GOOD~!" Mikuru replied, wearing a smug smile. Both remaining villains were totally scared shitless at the bloodthirsty moeblob before them. Upon realizing that cowering would make him look bad, the chairman drew himself up and snarled angrily.

"YOU DARE BRING LIGHT TO MY LAIR? YOU MUST DIE!" he raged at them. Bolts of lightning flew out of his hands and nearly scorched the group.

"If you make me crouch, I can do the duck-walk~!" Haruhi chirped as Kyon dragged her around.

"I sense more danger," chimed in Yuki, tucked her Kyon's arm.

Kyon rolled his eyes. "Who else could show up to make things worse?"

That's when the wall exploded, a rabid Ryoko and a bored Emiri stepping out of the smoke and rubble. "What's the matter, smarty? Lost your WAY? My guardians will be happy to escort you, to a cozy cell! Ah ha ha ha ha~!" laughed Ryoko, waving her book around.

"Greetings," said Emiri.

"WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE _THEM_?" Kyon groaned to himself. He looked back to see the chairman still firing lightning-bolts from his hands while the president laughed creepily. As he prepared another round, Ryoko wandered in front of him.

"Today's lesson is about the dangers of being too smart for your own good. I hope you're paying attention, bookworm!" Ryoko yelled to no one in particular.

Upon seeing the book in her hand, the chairman became filled with fear. "NO! Not into the pit! IT BUURNS!" he hissed.

"...I think I know how to end this," Kyon said as he drew back his hand to throw Yuki.

"Oh? You know how to stop Haruhi Suzumiya's changes to this world?" Yuki asked.

"Not really. It's a wild guess, in fact, but I feel my decision is so stupid that it will just work, Nagato."

"...I see."

"No, Kyon! We still need to ask him where the Dinner is being kept!" howled Taniguchi. He made a leap for the thrown Yuki, but missed her completely. The so-called Enclosed Instruction book smacked right into the chairman and fell onto the floor, where a huge vortex began to suck up all the villains.

"PIIIIIIIIII~!" squealed Mikuru, sounding like her old self. The chairman, the president, the gooey Nakagawa, Ryoko, and Emiri were soon vacuumed into Yuki's pages.

"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME!" cried the chairman. The president just screamed like a pansy.

"AAAAAAAHHH! You may have outsmarted me this time, bookworm, but I'll be back! Ryoko Asakura never quits! You'll SEEEEEEEE!" screamed Ryoko.

"WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED? I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING EVIL! I JUST WANTED TOAST, MEATBALLS, AND VOLVIC REVIVE TO HELP THE OVER- DAMN IT, NOW I'M ACTING JUST LIKE YOU IDIOTS!" ranted Emiri, clawing at the air as she was sucked up last. Yuki shut her pages with a final snap and lay there on the floor, various complaints coming out of her.

"Urp," she said.

Suddenly, everyone was warped back outside in a bright flash of light. No one was wearing their crazy clothes anymore and Tsuruya and Itsuki were right next to them. The five teens who had been sucked into Yuki's pages lay there in a pile on the ground, groaning.

"...Was I drunk again?" a confused Haruhi asked.

"It's... It's finally... OVER!" Kyon collapsed to his knees in extreme relief.

"I can't believe I..." Mikuru stared at her hands in shock, imagining blood covering them. Tsuruya grabbed her friend in a hug and laughed obliviously.

"Oh, Mikuru~! I'm so glad to see you! I had the weirdest dream ever. I was some kind of king and Koizumi was a genie and- Hey, what's that in your lap, Kyon? I think it fell out of your blazer, nyoro."

Sure enough, there was something in Kyon's lap. He picked it up slowly, only to have it snatched away by a greedy-looking Haruhi.

"Oh, boy, oh, boy! Is it for me? Did you guys get me something? Is it that one thing I've always wanted!" Haruhi asked giddily. Then she frowned. "...What's this timer for?"

The minute Yuki, Emiri, and Ryoko looked up with expressions of complete fear, Kyon's blood turned to ice-water. He grabbed whatever it was Haruhi had and stared down at it.

The cynical boy could only say one thing. "WHAT THE FU-"

_**BOOOOOOOOOM!**_

**A/N: **

**Damn. Dying hurts.**

**Superstarultra pretty much wrote this chapter, when he could have been writing Haruhirolled… oh well! **

**Wait, where'd you come from?**

_**I'm here to take over this fanfic! I've had enough of this crap!**_

**But you're not even from the se- GAH!**

… **why… is everyone… stabbing me….**

_**Heheheh… See you next chapter!**_


	10. Sono

_**Since the fanfic has come under new, eheh, authorship, it will now be called:**_

_**The Melancholy of Sono Asahina**_

"My, that Sono Asahina sure is amazing," Yuki said, in an even flatter tone than usual.

"Indeed... that Sono Asahina... is a wonderful... and inspiring... person," Itsuki said, glancing down at the script in his hands for every few words.

"Yes, that is why I consider her my best friend," Tsuruya blandly voiced, struggling to say the words.

"We love you, Asahina-sama..." they all said in flat unison. Standing right next to the lifeless trio in the SOS Brigade clubroom appeared to be a person who strongly resembled Mikuru Asahina. But outside of looks, the similarities stopped right there. She had a look of pure evil in her lifeless eyes and an aura that oozed monotony and despair.

Truly a terrible stain on the canvas of life itself.

"Yes, excellent my evil slaves! Praise me!" the wretched beast known as Sono cackled.

"Let me the hell out of this closet!" Haruhi yelled at the Mary Sue, as a loud banging was heard from the broom closet.

"Eek! Suzumiya, don't touch my butt!" Mikuru squealed in terror, her voice also coming from the closet.

"But that wasn't me..." Haruhi replied, before a nervous laugh was heard from the cramped broom-filled room.

"Heheheh... oops?" Kyon uttered, before the sound of Haruhi's foot colliding with his skull was heard.

"Silence prisoners! I, the great and evil Sono Asahina, command tranquility from you fools!" Sono commanded. "Now then, where are the ineffectual villains? I need to dispose of some worthless cretins in order to prove just how powerful and stunning I am."

"Ugh... I don't wanna do this..." a voice suddenly rumbled from outside the room.

"I said, where are the ineffectual villains?" Sono shouted. A sigh was heard, and then Ryoko and an extremely vague-looking copy of the nutty knife-wielding pseudo-alien walked into the room.

"I am the evil and..." Ryoko began, only to be interrupted by Sono.

"You're not saying it in the right accent!"

"_Fine_. I be the evil and most wicked Ryoko Asakura, hereth to destroy ye, Sono Asahina, with my sister, whatshername."

"Thy name be Ani Asakura, dearest sister of mine," the faux version of Ryoko chirped. She looked just like the blunette, but completely lacking the characterization and charm that made Ryoko... well, Ryoko. Another creature crafted out of pure laziness and bad writing.

Ryoko faced her 'twin' with a glare. "Shut upeth, you aberration."

Pleased with her two new arrivals, the phony Mikuru went on with her performance. "Hah! Ryoko, I will simply...!" Sono was interrupted by the door being kicked down by a rather frustrated Sasaki.

"What the hell is going on here? Haruhi, Kyon, and that chick with the huge boobs are missing, Ryoko Asakura and this random... _thing_ are the main villains, and this chick thinks she's all that!" Sasaki complained, throwing her arms in the air, while the rest of the Anti-SOS Brigade entered the room.

"Hold on, who the hell are you?" Sono yelled, pointing a finger at Sasaki.

"Who the hell am I?" Sasaki replied. "Who the hell do you think I am? I am the almighty Sasaki! While you were still learning to SPELL YOUR NAME, I was being trained to conquer GALAXIES! Oh, and this is the Anti-SOS Brigade. We were being discussed as potential villains and rivals for Haruhi Suzumiya long before the foul underworld vomited you out! Now then, Fujiwara, start the motto!"

"The what?" Fujiwara replied, confused.

"You, know, the motto!" Sasaki said, turning to Fujiwara.

"Oh, yeah, that one. Ahem..."

"Prepare for trouble!" Kyouko exclaimed.

"And make it double!" Fujiwara added.

"To protect the world from Haruhi's fame!"

"To unite its people under Sasaki's name!"

"To renounce the evils of SOS Brigade!"

"To get as many reviews as can possibly be made!"

"Kyouko!"

"Fujiwara!"

"Anti-SOS Brigade blasts off at the speed of light! Surrender now or prepare to fight!" the two finished in unison.

"kuyou~, dats rite!" Kuyou interjected, popping up behind them in a large Wobuffet costume. She quickly discarded it after a withering glare from her three companions. "...Sorry."

"Very nice introduction. But I'm still going to kill you all," Sono stated, before the skin on her face tore off to reveal a mass of tentacles with a single, bloodshot eye in the middle.

"Ew..." Kyouko said, sticking out her tongue.

"Disgusting," Sasaki said flatly.

"Am I the only one who finds this sort of sexy?" Fujiwara asked.

"Prepare for the destruction of everything you know mortals! For I am chaos! I am extinction! I... seem to have a knife through my chest," Sono said, before turning around to see a rather disgruntled Ryoko.

"Kuyou! Now!" Sasaki commanded, pointing at the eldritch Mary Sue for Kuyou to attack.

"Yayz!" Kuyou exclaimed, immediately pouncing on Sono and proceeding to eat her face like a dish of calamari.

"...Well, that was surprisingly easy," Kyouko commented. The sounds of tearing flesh and limbs pounding against the floor somewhat drowned her out though.

"Yes! The vile creature is gone! I am free! We're all free!" Ryoko screamed in complete jubilation. Ani patted her on the shoulder.

"We sure are, sister~!" Ani stated happily. Ryoko's response to this was to face her supposed sibling with an irritated glare, form both her hands into lances of energy, then skewer Ani in the torso and midsection with her weapons. A shriek of both joy and rage filled the air.

More would be described, but the rest is too messy to tell.

"Our job is done here. We'd better get paid for this," Sasaki said, leading the Anti-SOS Brigade out of the room. Tsuruya, Yuki, and Itsuki stared in amazement at the scene that had taken place before them.

"YES! NO MORE SONO!" Tsuruya hollered. Tears of joy fell down Yuki's cheeks.

"Ah, it's good to be free," Itsuki agreed. "Though I feel as if we're forgetting something..."

"Hello! _Still trapped in the closet!_" Kyon shouted from afar.

"Nah, probably just my imagination."

**A/N:**

**It's good to be back.**

**First off, I'd just like to say that the next chapter, I will not be stabbed by anyone, or have someone more talented than myself write most of the chapter.**

**Secondly...**

**Coming Soon:**

_**Meet the Haruhi**_


	11. Zombies

The cloaked figures circled around the gravesite, slowly murmuring arcane phrases in mangled Latin. One cloaked figure, however, stood still in front of the gravesite and spoke with a voice like thunder.

"Rise, dead corpse from thy tomb, arise and let thy darkness bloom!"

As these words were spoken, a human hand shot out from the dirt, crawling out of the earth, shortly followed by another hand. A human head soon emerged from the hole created, and it spoke.

"Damn, what happened?" The4thEmperor said, scratching his head in confusion.

"You died when a bird dropped a turtle on your head," the lead figure said flatly.

"You guys brought me back to life? Who are you guys, anyway?" the author replied, pulling himself out from his grave.

"We're your fans."

"...That explains why there are only ten of you."

"We require you to continue writing your crack fic "This is Haruhi on Drugs"."

"Well, better get started."

**Expecting Meet the Haruhi? Too Bad. Zombie Time.**

"Brains..." Taniguchi groaned, walking about the halls of North High with his arms outstretched.

"Brains..." Imouto repeated, walking in a similar fashion.

"Brains, nyoro!" Tsuruya chirped, mirroring the others.

"Hey, guys, what are we doing again?" Kunikida asked, walking like a retarded Frankenstein's monster as well.

"We're zombies and now we're going to eat the brains and flesh of the SOS Brigade," Taniguchi replied. "Duh."

"Why are we zombies again?" Kunikida inquired, cocking his head sideways.

"Because shut up," Taniguchi said. "Look! The SOS Brigade clubroom!"

Tsuruya pressed her rotting face against the window on the door. "Mikuru! Let me in!"

"Huh? Why?" Mikuru asked, walking up to the door.

"So I can tear the meat from your bones and eat it of course, silly!" Tsuruya laughed heartily.

"Um, no thanks..." Mikuru answered, quickly walking away to go think about nicer things like stuffed animals and poisoning Haruhi's tea.

"Curses! She's clever!" Tsuruya snarled. "Imouto, you try."

"I can't reach the window!" Imouto said, stretching her hands in the air as if it would make her taller. Tsuruya lifted Imouto up so she could press her face against the glass.

"There! Now call them so we can feast!"

"Okay. Kyon! Kyon!" the small zombie called.

"What?" Kyon said flatly. He approached the door and nearly fell onto the floor after getting a whiff from the stench of decay on the other side.

"Let me in so I can eat you!"

"…How about no," Kyon replied, returning to his seat. He gave one look at the door before returning to his game of Othello with Itsuki. The esper quirked an eyebrow at the door but did nothing else.

"Foiled at every turn! We're going to have to use our heads for this..." Taniguchi muttered to himself.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Less than a minute later, Taniguchi, Tsuruya, and Imouto smashed down the door using Kunikida as a battering ram, cracking the poor bland character's head in half.

"Damn our fragile zombie bodies. Oh, well, we made it in!" Taniguchi exclaimed, dropping Kunikida's twice-dead corpse like a popsicle-wrapper.

"Whoa, the author killed off Kunikida? That's pretty harsh," Kyon commented, staring at Kunikida's limp body. Mikuru's face took on a green hue, Itsuki blinked in surprise, and Haruhi took a single look before shrugging her shoulders.

"Not necessarily. Considering the nature of our universe, he'll probably be alive by the next chapter, if not sooner," Yuki replied, not lifting her eyes form the book. "That's how these HaruhiRolled rip-offs work."

"Enough chatter, more cannibalism! Zombies, attack!" Taniguchi snarled as he and undead companions charged towards the Brigade... only to be have his head explode into shards of bone, blood, and brain-juice due to a bullet from Haruhi's pistol.

"Heck yeah, headshot!" Haruhi exclaimed in victory. Taniguchi's carcass teetered a bit before falling to the ground in a smelly heap.

"Haruhi, you can't just shoot our pathetically stupid opponents. Otherwise, there won't be much of a chapter!" Kyon said.

Haruhi grudgingly put her weapon on her desk. "Fine. Can we use Yuki's chainsaw then?"

"...Sounds good to me," Kyon said, nodding, as Yuki revved up her precious apparatus of destruction.

"I'm going to start hurting you," she said to the two remaining zombies. "I don't know when I'll stop."

"Well, that was briefly amusing," Itsuki said, ignoring the screams of the ghouls. "Another game of Othello?"

"Sure, why not," Kyon said. "Not like there's anything interesting going on."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"That good?" The4thEmperor asked, turning to the cloaked figures.

"It was terribly mediocre. Maybe we should have left you for dead," the lead figure said, shaking his head in disgust.

"Well, gee, thanks, that does wonders for my self-esteem," the author replied. "Say, what's with that angry-looking horde holding pitchforks and torches?" he said, pointing at the angry-looking horde holding pitchforks and torches.

"They're the cast of Haruhi Suzumiya! They'll tear you limb from limb for what you've done to them!" the lead figure shouted in terror. The cloaked person gathered the rest of the other figures and ran off. "You're on your own!"

By this time, the cast had surrounded the author.

"He had Yuki anally probe me!" Kyon shouted.

"her uined mah spleling!" Kuyou yelled.

"He burned our crops, poisoned our water supplies, and brought plague upon our houses!" Taniguchi screamed.

"...He _did_?" the rest of the mob asked.

"...No. But are going to sit here and wait until he does?" Taniguchi shouted.

"Get him!" Haruhi yelled, pointing at The4thEmperor.

"Shit," he said, moments before he was torn limb from limb by the angry mob.

**A/N:**

**I'm back, baby. And I really have no excuse for being gone.**

**I've decided on a new update schedule: I'll produce at least two chapters each month. If I don't publish another chapter by May 16****th****, make sure the send me plenty of angry PMs, 'kay?**


	12. More Anal Probes

**Hello? Yeah, this is The4thEmperor. I somehow survived being torn limb from limb. Not that you guys care. You're just here for the crack fic.**

**I'm not saying it was Haruhi, but it was Haruhi:**

"Greetings and welcome, citizens of the incredibly boring planet Earth!" Haruhi exclaimed, sitting at a desk, a camera recording her ravings. "Welcome to Close Encounters of Any Kind, where we delve deeper and deeper into the mysteries of the universe! As usual, I'm your host, Haruhi Suzumiya!"

"And I'm Ryoko Asakura," Ryoko said, sitting next to Haruhi, while sharpening a knife.

"Today, we'll be discussing a very important topic that affects millions around the world: having aliens shove a rod up your ass," Haruhi said in a deadpan manner. "If you have had any experiences of aliens probing your butt, please call 1-877-2274-669. Our first guest, Kyon, had his butt probed by an alien. Welcome to the program, Kyon."

"Let me out of here!" Kyon screamed, struggling against the ropes that tied him to his chair. "I'm being held here against my will! They're maniacs! MANIACS!"

"Interesting... Koizumi, what do you think Kyon's trying to tell us with this?" Haruhi asked Itsuki, who was conveniently sitting directly next to Kyon. As this was going on, Ryoko dragged Kyon, still tied to the chair, into the shadows.

"Well, to those who aren't exactly believers in aliens, it would sound like Kyon was trying to tell us that we're sociopaths. But he's actually trying to communicate how Yuki stuck a rod up his bunghole for no apparent reason," Itsuki calmly explained.

"Very interesting. Now then, let's check the phones. Yuki, any callers?" Haruhi inquired.

"Yes. One," Yuki said, suddenly materializing behind Haruhi, and handing her the phone. She greedily snatched it from the alien's hand without a word of thanks.

"Hello, this is Close Encounters of Any Kind. Please tell us all about your anal-probing experience," Haruhi sweetly said.

"Uh, hi, I'm Taniguchi, and, uh, I was like, probed by an alien..." Taniguchi answered, sniggering between every word.

"Uh, yeah, uh, me, too..." Kunikida said, butting in. A faint chuckle could be heard from him as well.

"Yeah. You enjoyed it, Kunikida."

"Shut up, Taniguchi."

"Very interesting... Never call us again," Haruhi answered, hanging up the phone. "Now then, Ryoko, why don't you introduce our next guest?"

"Thank you, Suzumiya. Our next guest has already appeared on the show, and is here to report on how he has experienced yet another probing. Thoughts, Kyon?" Ryoko asked, returning to her seat.

"..." Kyon gazed off into space, twitching occasionally.

"Fascinating. Koizumi, what do you think Kyon is trying to say here?" Haruhi asked.

"Well, to put it into layman's terms, I think he's trying to say that Asakura stuffed a large metal stick up his rear when we weren't paying attention," Itsuki said, laughing.

"Well, that's all we have time for today. See us next time on-"

"Hold it!" Tsuruya yelled, bursting in.

"Oh, hey, Tsuruya." Haruhi said. "What's wrong?"

"This chapter's far too short! We need to pad it out!" Tsuruya exclaimed.

"How? Pointless filler?" Haruhi asked.

"Blatant fanservice?" Itsuki asked.

"Yaoi?" The4thEmperor asked.

"No, you fools! With a story involving... _**chibis!**_" Tsuruya declared excitedly.

"...That makes the yaoi idea look almost decent," Haruhi said flatly.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Somewhere, off in the distance, a sound was heard.

"Nyoro~n..."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Did somebooty say yaoi?" Kuyou screamed, crashing through the wall unexpectedly.

"The aliens! They've found us!" Itsuki yelped.

"Not the aliens!" Ryoko gasped in horror.

"...Asakura, _you're_ an alien," Yuki pointed out.

"Oh, in that case I can easily take out the invader!" Ryoko purred happily, drawing a knife. "Okay, Kuyou, I'm going to cut you up into ribbons."

"YAY REBBONZ!" Kuyou cheered, flailing her arms around shortly before Ryoko savagely attacked.

"...Is it just me or are these chapters declining in quality?" Kyon asked, snapping out of his catatonic state for no explainable reason.

"Is that even possible?" Itsuki replied, surprised.

**A/N:**

**Looks like I went with the padding option.**


	13. Filler

**A/N:**

**Well, I haven't updated in a while, but I have an excuse. I was on vacation. So here's another collab I did with superstarultra**.

"Awww, do I have to go to bed so soon?" Churuya asked as she was carried to her miniature bed.

"Well, like they say in the Yakuza..." Tsuruya explained, plopping Churuya down. "Early to bed, early to eliminate your rivals! ...Or is it the smoked-cheese?"

"Tell Churuya bedtime story now!"

"No."

"Nyoro~n..."

"Fine. Well, Kyon, Mikuru, and I had banished Frieza from Animeland. But he found a way to get back in! Mikuru was kidnapped by Saiyan football players! Kyon was attacked by the Ginyu Force! And I came face to face with Ghost Napppa!"

"And how did that turn out?" Churuya asked excitedly.

"Oh, well, I ran screaming for the hills and buried my head in the sand to hide while Yuki dealt with the problem herself. Ha ha ha!" Tsuruya guffawed loudly, an unamused Churuya staring up at her.

"I thought you once said you highhandedly defeated a ghost with your bare-hands and saved a distant land!" her smaller counterpart squeaked.

"Different ghost last time, nyoro."

"What does that mean?"

"...Ghost bear."

"How many ghosts do you run into daily?"

"Errr, let's change the subject!" Tsuruya quickly said, waving her arms around. "I'll tell you the epic tale of... The Three Little Sheep and the Big Bad Wolf!"

Churuya titled her head. "Don't you mean pigs?"

"Hey, who's tellin' the story here?" Tsuruya shouted, gesturing to herself.

"Okay, nyoro~n..."

**In Story World...**

There were three sheep. One was timid and moe (guess who it is), one was snarky and cynical (once again, guess), and the last was a possible yakuza heiress who was obsessed with smoked-cheese (friggin' guess again).

These three sheep lived in an apartment until the purple-haired data entity who lived there had them move out.

"I need more room for my murderer-turned-chibi and living balloon dog," she explained.

So the three sheep set off on their own and chose to make their own houses.

The moe sheep built hers out of straw, the yakuza one built hers out of cheese, and the snarky one just rented himself a new apartment room.

"This straw will provide me with excellent air-conditioning and bedding material~!" chirped the moe sheep, smiling cutely.

"All of this tasty smoked-cheese around me means I'll never go hungry again, nyoro!" the yakuza sheep laughed as she set out a plate of cheese for herself.

"I'd point out how illogical their choice of building materials are, but I find them much too cute and attractive to upset," the snarky sheep dryly remarked, sitting on his fancy leather couch that was right next to this tank full of exotic fish and his plasma-screen T.V..

But as the trio of sheep were enjoying their new homes, a sinister presence was afoot. Right behind a large oak tree in the nearby forest was a hungry wolf... Actually, it wasn't really much of a wolf. It look more like a brown-haired schoolgirl with her head jutting out of a cheap costume. Ironically, she looked more sheepdog than wolf. Despite her looks, she licked her lips with a toothy grin and rubbed her belly. She's clearly the antagonist in this tale.

"Mwa ha ha ha! I will capture those three sheep and have them all for dinner!" she loudly stated to herself. "But I will need to get near them with a clever disguise..."

"Hey, what was that?" the yakuza sheep asked.

"Ummm, just the wind..." the wolf-sheepdog said.

"Oh, OK."

And so the wolf-sheepdog bought herself a suit and came to the moe sheep's house dressed as a carpet salesman.

"Hi! Haruhi Suzumiya, Sheep Rapist~!" she exclaimed, ripping the door off its hinges.

"WHAT?" the moe sheep screamed, scared out of her mind.

"...I mean, I mean, I'm a carpet salesman... I sell carpets. Would you be interested in buying some?

"Oh, I guess there's no harm in it. A nice rug would spruce up this straw-covered floor. Do you have anything in my price range?" the cute little sheep asked. The wolf-sheepdog suppressed the urge to drool and went on with her charade.

"Of course! In fact, I have a genuine Persian rug that was just flown in from... Persia the other day! It has a very rare design on it, too. And because I like you so much, I'll sell it to you for a fraction of the original cost~!" Haruhi the wolf-sheepdog shouted.

"Really? That's so kind of you! Where is the rug?"

"In this huge burlap sack to my left, madam!"

"Okay! I'll just walk right inside and- HEY! You're a w-wolf!"

The wolf-sheepdog blinked in surprise. "What gave me away?"

"That little name-tag on your suit that says, 'Haruhi Suzumiya, Trained Carpet Salesman, Sheepdog, and Wolf'!" yelled the moe sheep.

"...Damn! Well, I'm going to get you now, little sheep! Prepare to be raped and eaten... AND IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER~!" Haruhi roared as she leapt forward. The moe sheep was so scared that she barreled right under the airborne wolf-sheepdog and through a wall, collapsing her home down on her pursuer. She then fled into the home of the yakuza sheep.

"Help me, fellow sheep! There's an evil wolf out there who means to eat us all!" cried the moe sheep in fear.

"Hmmmmmmmmm," muttered the yazkua sheep, looking out her window. "Looks more like a sheepdog to me. Whatever it is, that mangy mutt won't be able to get through my impenetrable fortress of cheese!"

A sudden chewing from the right caught the attention of both sheep. They baaed in fear at the sight of Haruhi's head protruding in a section of the wall.

"I always did enjoy cheese," the wolf-sheepdog said with an oddly cat-like smile.

The two sheep then ran to the snarky sheep's apartment, where they cowered in fear behind the leather couch.

"What's going on?" the snarky sheep asked, before hearing the door being torn off.

"IMMA GONNA RAPE YA, EAT YA, AND SELL YOU A CARPET!" the wolf sheepdog yelled.

The three sheep screamed in terror, and the wolf sheepdog did just that.

**Back to Reality...**

"The end," Tsuruya said, crossing her arms and smiling as if this was a reasonable and legitimate ending.

"Hey, that's not how the story goes!" Churuya complained, sore at the severity of the downer-hood of the ending.

"...alright, alright. So there they were, about to become dog food, when suddenly came, a friendly lumberjack!"

**Back to the Story...**

Back in the snarky sheep's apartment, the villainous wolf-sheepdog was just about to capture her prey when the door was suddenly kicked down. A tall lumberjack with sandy-brown hair marched into the room, toting a chainsaw over his left shoulder and a large smile on his face.

"Hello, my good animals. I heard there was a wolf roaming about in the area so I came to deal with it," the lumberjack explained in a jolly tone, twirling his razor-sharp chainsaw in one hand. Its blades glittered dangerously in the sunlight.

Haruhi gulped in fear. "W-Wolf? There's no wolf around here! In fact, I'm just your average, run of the mill sheepdog! Woof woof~!" she barked in vain.

The lumberjack closed the distance between him and the wolf-sheepdog and said, "...Well, you also look like a carpet salesman to me. Why not go into business as one and use the money you earn to buy sheep that have already been prepared for consumption. I don't think these three here would mind, since they don't really know the deceased. Also, I think it would be more efficient if the snarky sheep here allowed the other two sheep to live here as his roommates. There's enough space for all of them."

"Yeah, I really wouldn't mind at all," the snarky sheep chimed in. "And that's not a baaaad idea!" Haruhi, meanwhile, was completely floored by this sudden development.

"You're right! Why didn't I think of this before? I was always good at selling things! I'll get myself an actual license and then become the best canine to ever sell carpets~! ...I'll still rape other species though," she quickly added as an afterthought.

"Hooray! We get to live! Now let's celebrate~!" the yakuza sheep cried.

And then they all sat down and had a tasty lunch of smoked cheese.

**In Real Life...**_  
><em>  
>"The end, nyoro~!" Tsuruya exclaimed, crossing her arms proudly. Churuya clapped wildly and a perfect night was had by all.<p>

...Until Ghost Nappa attacked the next morning.

**A/N:**

**Well, there you go. Speaking of superstarultra, since he's writing again, I'm pretty much out of the business, aren't I?**


	14. Lolicon

**A/N:**

**Screw opening notes, I have nothing interesting to say. Just read and review this and I'll send you your waifu/husbando in the mail. Trust me. They may smell like chloroform though.**

**In which apparently Kyon is a pedophile or something:**

"Ladies and gentlemen," Haruhi said, standing at her usual desk in the SOS Brigade clubroom. "It has come to my attention that our good friend Kyon has a very serious problem."

"Haruhi, what the hell are you getting at?" Kyon said, cocking his head to the side and frowning.

"Kyon, I have gathered the SOS Brigade here to discuss your lolicon tendencies!" Haruhi exclaimed, loud enough, in fact, for people in the next room over to hear.

"...the fuck are you talking about?" Kyon yelled. "Why are you, with no evidence, accusing me of being a pedo!"

"Now, now, Kyon, there's no need for shock; we all have problems, like my addiction to crack... fanfiction," Haruhi said in an unfittingly soothing voice. "Yours is just a lot sicker than everyone else's."

"Oh, my, Kyon," Itsuki said. "I had no idea that you harbored such... tendencies."

"You're actually going along with this?" Kyon screamed. "This is too far, even for you, Koizum!"

"Kyon's a pedophile!" Mikuru gasped. "I can't accept this! Kyon, I trusted you!"

"Miss Asahina, please, you can't actually be taking Haruhi's words seriously!" Kyon begged.

"The first piece of evidence is this: Kyon is always hanging out with that little girl that no one actually knows the name of!" Haruhi began, pointing an accusing finger at Kyon.

"She's my sister!" Kyon yelled back.

"Pedophilia and incest? That's disturbing, even to me," Haruhi said with a look of disgust on her face.

"Oh, my, Kyon," Itsuki said. "I had no idea you had such... desires."

"Shut up, Koizumi, just shut up!" Kyon screamed, nearly tearing the hair from his head.

"Kyon's incestuous!" Mikuru gasped once again. "That's perverted!"

"Miss Asahina, you seriously can't believe this shit..." Kyon said, sobbing softly into his cupped hands.

"I believe Kyon is being falsely persecuted," Yuki observed from the corner, not lifting an eye from the sci-fi epic she was reading.

"Thank you, Nagato..." Kyon said, sighing in relief. "I'm glad that someone here is sane."

"This leads to my second point... Kyon is always hanging out with Yuki!" Haruhi exclaimed, once again pointing at Kyon.

"...what, just because she's flat?" Kyon retorted.

"Of course! Your interest in Yuki comes from her flat chest!"

"Listen, I'm not just hanging out with Nagato because she's flat as a board!"

As this conversation went on, Yuki put down her book, looked at her chest, and patted where her breasts would be with a forlorn look.

"...the point is I'm not a pedophile!" Kyon screamed.

"Oh, yeah? Well prove it!" Haruhi retorted smugly.

"Fine!" Kyon exclaimed. He shot his hand forward, firmly grasping Haruhi's right breast.

This caused an awkward silence that lasted for thirty seconds, which was followed by the seventh most brutal beating ever recorded and the third largest closed space in our planet's history.

**One brutal scene of violence later...**

"Alright, so apparently Kyon is not actually a pedophile, but just a normal old pervert," Haruhi said, frowning.

"Well, I suppose that's slightly better," an intensely bruised Kyon followed up.

"Well, SOS Brigade meeting dismissed," Haruhi said as she, Kyon, and Itsuki walked out of the room. Mikuru was about to exit, too, when she was suddenly tapped on the shoulder.

"Eh?" Mikuru squeaked, turning her head. Behind her was Yuki.

"Asahina, I require your assistance," Yuki said in a calm voice. "I have read that massaging your chest increases breast-size. But it only seems to work with the aid of another party. This is why I need you to massage my chest."

"...nothanksmaybesomeothertimebye!" Mikuru yelped before dashing through the door to leave the little purple-haired alien in her gloom.

**A/N:**

**But I'm not done yet! Review right now and I'll send you your secondary waifu, absolutely free! Two waifus for the price of one! Don't worry, I have plenty of chloroform.**


	15. Backflips

**Well, here we are. I've been thinking: This fic really needs a clean-up.**  
><strong>The older chapters are chocked full of grammatical errors and bad jokes, and I think we should do a little cleaning. But who knows, you might like the things I consider junk, so just tell me what you think should be deleted.<strong>  
><strong>Oh, yes, the fic, here you go:<strong>

**Weekend at Haruhi's**

"Kyon! Yuki! Get over here!" Haruhi exclaimed impatiently. "I need you to two lift me up!"

"Why do you need us to do that?" Kyon asked, while Yuki obediently lifted Haruhi's left foot easily using one hand.

"So I can perform the Ultimate Super Triple Mega-Back-Flip maneuver, of course!" Haruhi explained, clenching her fist.

"…Haruhi, I don't think that's such a great idea." Kyon said. By which I mean it's the worse idea ever, he thought.

"Do it or I'll make you dress up like a nurse!" Haruhi yelled.

Kyon crouched down and attempted to lift Haruhi's right foot. "Geez, Haruhi, I think you might be too heavy."

"Are you calling me fat?!" Haruhi growled down at him. "Whatever, Ultimate Super Triple Mega-Back-Flip maneuver, commence in 3, 2, 1… now!"

As Haruhi finished the countdown, Yuki forcefully launched Haruhi's left foot into the air, while Kyon meekly dropped Haruhi's right foot. The resulting toss caused Haruhi to tumble through the air sideways, flying as gracefully as a hawk that had been lobotomized and force-fed tequila. After doing a barrel-roll and a half, Haruhi landed on her desk, smacking her head against the club paperweight.

"Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap!" Kyon exclaimed, rushing over to the now-unconscious Haruhi. "…Well, at least she's not dead."  
>"That is good news. However, the others cannot know about this," Yuki said in a very calm tone of voice. "We came surprisingly close to killing her, and thus, if this were to be discovered, the other organizations would eliminate us out of fear for her safety."<p>

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Well, what are we supposed to do?" Kyon said, propping the limp Haruhi up in her chair. "We can't just say that she's having an all-day nap!"

"No, we cannot. However, I have come prepared with a plan." Yuki withdrew a pair of thick black shades from her pocket and placed them over Haruhi's eyes.

"…She looks sort of… awkward," Kyon said, stroking his chin.

"I believe that the word you're looking for is 'cool'," Yuki stated.

"…I think you're using that word wrong," Kyon said, but before their conversation could continue further, Itsuki and Mikuru entered the room.

"How are we supposed to make her move and talk?" Kyon whispered to Yuki.

"I am capable of controlling her movements and mimicking her speech, both of which will be 99.98% indistinguishable from her usual patterns," Yuki whispered back.

"Hello, Suzumiya, Nagato, Kyon," Itsuki greeted, sitting in his usual seat.

"Hello, Koizumi, how are you?" 'Haruhi' said in an oddly squeaky voice, her body swaying from side to side as she floated about half an inch above the ground. Kyon nearly had a heart-attack.

"I'm fine, thank you. What would our plans be for the day?" Itsuki asked as Haruhi's limp body bowled into Kyon.

"The plans, are, um, for you and Mikuru, to, uh, go on a five-hour nature walk!" 'Haruhi' said, her head bending backwards as her arms swung around wildly.

"Hm? Er, very well. Come along, Miss Asahina," a confused Itsuki said, leading an equally confused Mikuru out of the room.

"I've gotten rid of them for now," Yuki said, once the two had left the room. "We need to find a way to wake her up ."

"Well, how should we do it?" Kyon asked.

"Kiss her."

"Er, no thanks." Kyon replied, blushing. "I did that once before and that's one time too many."

"Very well then. The second best option would be to expose her to a loud noise. I recommend at least eighty decibels."

"That seems a bit loud..."

"Trust me, I'm a data entity," Yuki said, handing Kyon a French horn. "Blow this into Haruhi Suzumiya's ear."

Kyon took a deep breath and blew into the horn, which was only half an inch from Haruhi's right ear. The resulting cacophonous sound nearly ruptured Haruhi's earlobes, but managed to awaken her from her slumber.

"Augh! What the hell, Kyon?!" Haruhi groaned, clutching the sides of her head. "What happened? Did I perform the Ultimate Super Triple Mega-Back-Flip maneuver?"

"Um, yes," Kyon hastily said. "And then you took a power nap. On the club paperweight. And told us to wake you up with this French horn."

"Oh, okay. Fair enough," Haruhi replied, casually accepting the somewhat silly explanation. "Well, all's well that ends well… but damn my head hurts."

Haruhi then walked out of the room, bumping into the doorframe on the way out. Yuki turned to Kyon.

"I lied earlier," the purple-haired alien said. "If the others had found out, they simply would have rushed Haruhi Suzumiya to the hospital. This was all an experiment organized by the Data Overmind."

"…That's stupid!" Kyon exclaimed. "What's that thing even supposed to learn from all this?!"

"You'd be surprised," Yuki spoke, sitting down in her chair.

Meanwhile….

Far off in space, in its multi-dimensional dwelling, a certain omnipotent being of pure data was very pleased.

"Now that I have the required data on the Ultimate Super Triple Mega-Back-Flip maneuver, the plan can proceed..."

Dun-dun-dun-dun.

A/N:  
>Then again, you could say I haven't actually improved.<br>But on the plus side, I update within a year.


End file.
